Episode 1: The Department of Variance, a clandestine government agency, experiences a crisis and the building goes into lockdown. Two employees–Jasmine Control and Scarlet Jaunt–are stuck on different floors as the emergency begins. The two must communicate and get to the bottom of the skyscraper however they can.
(CWs: voice modulation, implied death, strong language)
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CREDITS:
Cast, in order of appearance: Jesse Syratt, Em Carlson, Emily Kellogg, Shaun Pellington, Justin Hatch, William A. Wellman, Tatiana Gefter, Saph the Something, Taylor Michaels, and special guest Shannon Strucci.
Art by NerdVolKurisu
Written, scored, edited, and narrated by Rat Grimes.
Transcripts available in episode notes at somewhereohio.com
COMPUTER: Hello, and thank you for joining the Ohio Department of Variance. In accordance with the superscript under subsection 2 of Obscured Bill 451, also known as the “Normalize Ohio Act” of 2011, this video will provide you with all of the information you need to understand the Department, and your place in it.
*whispered* Christ, that was...that sentence was way too long! Who the fuck wrote this?
We’re thrilled to have you on board. Let’s start with the Department’s history. The Department of Variance was founded 1991. It was intended to address concerns in response to events within the Dead Letter Office. Then called the Abnormal Occurrence Commission, the Department is dedicated to discovering and studying unusual phenomena in all of Ohio’s 89 counties. You may be thinking “aren’t there only 88 counties in the state of Ohio?” (*chuckle*) Well, the answer to this question and many more can be found in this video.
Whether you’re working for the core agency or for one of the various branches–such as the Blank Commission, the Bureau of Transnatural Resources, or the Dead Letter Office–you can make a difference in the lives of your friends and neighbors.
Ready to proceed? Then let’s dive in to the details of your position.
Please enter your id number below.
*tap tap tap*
Great! You’ll be working for the Bureau of Transnatural Resources, in the position of (different voice) TECHNICAL EDITOR. We’ll go over your essential duties in a moment.
You’ve been assigned the name (different voice in caps) JASMINE CONTROL, favorite color: LIGHT YELLOW, pronouns SHE/HER, clearance level TWO, floor TWENTY-SIX, cube FORTY-NINE, hours EIGHT A M to FIVE P M. We understand this assignment may feel unusual at first. By the end of this seminar, you’ll understand the necessity of these designations. Soon you’ll feel quite at home in your new identity. *whispered* How much longer is this??
Please click “I understand” below.
Great! Let’s continue.
What does the Department do exactly? Some outside actors have accused the Department of Variance of being involved in a variety of “cover-ups,” “conspiracies,” and so-called “union busting,” but these rumors couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Your job at the department will be–
*video shuts down, alarm blares*
JASMINE CONTROL: Uhhh…
*pause, footsteps*
JASMINE: Hey, is this a drill? Where do we go?
*Strange noises from below, electrical charge sound*
JASMINE: Shit, lights are out. (louder) Hey! Where are we supposed to go? (to herself) Did everyone know we were doing this but me?
*thudding nearby, then quiet*
JASMINE, timid: W-what…is anyone still here? Are we supposed to take the stairs? Sorry, first day here. I think they said it’s near the copy room? Is that right?
*muffled screams from below*
JASMINE, quiet horror: Oh god, what if it’s not a drill. (trying to calm herself) Okay, okay, they gave me a floor map somewhere in here.
*papers shuffle*
JASMINE: Got it.
*gentle pats on clothes*
JASMINE: Right, phone’s isolated in the bin at the front desk. Thank god I kept that stupid Hello Kitty flashlight.
*click, shakes flashlight, click*
JASMINE, with growing concern: Just enough battery. Okay. (searches for a moment) Here, cubicle 49. Looks like from here I should turn right down the row, left at the hallway, then I’ll be at the elevator bank. From there, keep going left, UGH quit shaking, come on. Follow the bend, and take the first door on the right. There might be emergency lighting in the stairwell. And probably other people.
*Footsteps as Jasmine moves*
JASMINE: Right down the row, left at the hallway, door on the right. Right down the row, left at the hallway, door on the right. Left–
*Jasmine stumbles*
JASMINE: (oof, falling grunt, etc)
JASMINE, quietly angry: Who left a rug in the middle of the floor? Damn fire hazard’s what it is. (softening) Wait…smells like...
*flashlight clicks*
JASMINE, shocked quiet for a second, then quivering: Nahhh, no no no no no, this isn’t a drill. Th-this is an office prank. New employee hazing. (louder, a bit angry) Y-you can get up now. You got me! ha HA! Bloody security guard, very funny.
*static crackles*
SCARLET JAUNT: Operator, are you there? *pause* Operator, please respond. Over.
JASMINE, more scared but still in denial: Wow, this must be a whole uhh office-wide thing. I guess.
SCARLET, insistent: Operator, assistance requested. Over.
JASMINE: Maybe I should–
SCARLET, urgent: Operator, assistance requested right fucking now on floor 18. A Lark’s on its way down and I left my Jaunt in my cube. Are you strapped? Over.
*a muffled monstrous noise from through the radio, then static*
JASMINE, anger giving way to worry as she grabs the device: H-hey, hey! Not the operator here, but this has gone too far, this–
SCARLET: Thank god, another person! You don’t sound like the Operator, so I’m guessing he’s down. I need you to do me a favor. Take a deep breath and reach for his belt. You should feel a holster on the right side. Unless he cross-draws like a dipshit. Or that thing took his lower half. There’s a weapon there–
JASMINE: This is insane. Whatever’s going on, I’m not taking a stranger’s gun!
SCARLET: It’s not a gun it’s…wait, who the hell am I talking to. I don’t recognize your voice.
JASMINE: Olivi–
SCARLET: WHOA HEY nonono don’t EVER use your real name here. What’s wrong with you? Are you new? What name did they give you? What’s your call sign?
JASMINE: Oh, I’m Jasmine…Control, I think.
SCARLET, in disbelief: Christ, they gave you Admin Protocol?
JASMINE: I guess, I– I just got here, I don’t know–
SCARLET: My fault for assuming competence. We don’t have time for this. Grab the Jaunt and head to the elevator bay.
JASMINE: What “jaunt?”
SCARLET: GOD–the weapon! You have to feel for the belt–
JASMINE: No, I mean there’s nothing there. Just some keys and a baton.
SCARLET: God damn budget cuts. Forget the elevator bay, then. Shit’s gone sideways. You have to find the stairs and get the hell out of here pronto. They told you about the stairs, right?
JASMINE: No one told me anything! This is the most ridiculous, haphazard training–
SCARLET: Bad first day, tough luck. But we’re out of time. They don’t pay me enough for my own work, let alone training the newbies. The emergency stairs are on your map. Take the watch, go down, and don’t stop no matter what you hear. Everyone else should be out there by then and they’ll tell you everything. Scarlet Jaunt over and out.
JASMINE: Wait, what’s–*sigh* She’s gone. Okay, I can do this. There are other people still around. Just keep going left, follow the bend, door on the right…
Narrator: Jasmine slipped the communicator watch off the guard’s wrist. She crouched and moved through the dim hallways quietly reciting the directions like a catechism. Round the bend she slid, groping in the dark for any handles along the right wall. Her grip found purchase on a curved metal bar and she cautiously pulled. The red glow of emergency lights poured over her hunched form. She had made it. But, as is so often the case, there was a snag in the plan. A catch.
JASMINE: Hey. Scarlet, can you hear me? Over. Damn it, Scarlet, you didn’t tell me the stairs only went down one floor!
*static*
SCARLET: Control? *Grunts with effort* Are you serious? We’re in Asymmetry then. This is worse than I thought. This isn’t going to make much sense right now, but this building can…move. Its floors, its layout, they can all change. It can rearrange itself, morph into something else. Like those metal pin art boxes you can stick your hand in. It’s going to do everything it can to stop you from leaving. Because this isn’t a lock-down, it’s a lock-in. So the emergency stairs are going to be in a different spot on each floor, or they may not be there at all. I’m on floor 18 now and I’ll be going down, too, so I’ll probably be out before you. I can send help. Listen…you’re gonna see some shit you aren’t ready for. But if you want a way out of this place that’s not in a god damn body bag, you have to be brave. Stay quiet, ignore the weird stuff, and find the exit on each floor. Keep going down until you’re outside. Got it?
JASMINE: As much as I can even understand what you’re talking about.. What if…what if I get lost? Or stuck alone? And what about my phone?
SCARLET: DO NOT use your phone. *long exhale* Keep this receiver on you. Batteries should last a bit. If you get stuck, or you see something that doesn’t make sense, give me a call. I’ll talk you through it. But don’t waste my time on trivial shit. There are probably other folks still around that can help with that. Now go down to 25 and keep moving.
Narrator: Jasmine crept down the stairs, trying to affix the band around her wrist. At the bottom of the stairwell was a door, over which hung huge metal letters: FLOOR 25. Jasmine grabbed the handle and pushed gently. Behind her, from the floor above, she could hear faint notes, muffled music or chirps from somewhere far away. Jasmine strained to listen over the blood rushing in her ears. She could just barely make it out, but in this song she could see colors shimmering in the air. Blue, red, yellow. These colors swirled and diffused into an array of vibrant shades and hues, like light playing on the surface of an oily puddle. Viridian, indigo, saffron. The colors started taking shape: a bouquet of fractal tones curling into stems and petals.
She was mesmerized; there was now nothing in the world she wanted more than to stay here and watch these colors bloom for the rest of time. But she remembered what Scarlet said about the weird stuff…She shook her head and tried to tune out the sound. The spirals of pigment fizzled out, and all that remained in front of her was a dark hallway sketched in emergency red. Twenty five of these to go, and she’d almost gotten distracted on the first. She took her first step into floor 25.
*Jasmine takes a few steps, ambience, step, step, glass crunch*
A fallen picture frame was all it took to alert the thing that had killed the guard. Jasmine heard a loud screech, and she ducked into what she guessed was a conference room. She slammed the door shut and knocked over a cabinet in front of it. She crawled under the table and waited. She could hear it bounding up the stairs, trudging down the path she had just come from. And light, she could hear the light, snaking around corners and filling the hall. And through the curtains she could vaguely make it out: humanoid in shape but alien in composition. Seven, maybe eight feet tall, shambling over fallen chairs and tables with stretchy limbs. Its mouth was moving, but it didn’t really speak. Not any sentences she could understand, anyway. Instead, staccato bursts of clicks and rising chirps came from its throat.
GREY AUTHORITY, chanting, mind lost: I hadn’t even started yet then, but I could see the five-year plan. It was my favorite drink back then. They knew just what I wanted. Knew my face. I could face what I didn’t know as long as she was there. But oh now there’s nothing there. Nothing like the horses there on the hill. Horses up Kentucky way as if they were my own. I had some then. Real red-meat type father. Then and now as if he were my own. As if I own you. I own you. I pay you. In a cage, filled with paper. I fed you daffodils and inkjet black allowance.
But where were you, little bird? I sang to you and you couldn’t see me. I sing to you and you can’t even see me. I sing to you and you can’t even see me. I can see the sun in the snow, and it echoes time gone by. I am the melting. I am the past machine, the future man. In the backseat, in the headlights, its eyes bulging. The papal engine purring like a panther. Kill, panther, kill. Crush and burn high holy mass of youth and confirmation wine and I sang by the candle light. I can sing but I can’t even hear what I’m singing and I can see but I can’t even see me. I sing to you and you can’t even see me. You can’t even see me.
*monster noises, fade into bird songs*
Then she was standing on the porch of her childhood home. It was a slumping Victorian beast, all peeling paint and patchy scales, sat on the edge of a town so small you could throw a ball from one side and a friend could catch it on the other. She was watching the morning light filter through the overgrown weeds of the backyard. She was probably 10 or 12, couldn’t remember exactly. They still had the dog, so it couldn’t have been later than that. It was already hot, yes even this early, and the humidity made the whole yard feel damp.
The brutal sun had just started cooking off the summer dew, and from the hanging mulberry tree came the cries of the Northern Mockingbird, of the Oriole. As a child, these sounds were a natural wonder, a mystery. How did they make that sound? For whom did they sing? Though now she knew why the birds sang: to attract partners, sometimes, but also to mark their territory, to forbid outsiders. And what was she now, in this hostile building on her first day in hell, if not an outsider?
A slam against the door brought Jasmine out of her reverie. Now the colors were there, oh exquisite pain to see the colors again. Like kaleidoscopic plumage, as they poured out from the hulking creature’s forehead.
*Slam, slam*
And just as suddenly as it had come, the creature skulked deeper into the office, out of Jasmine’s view, and its trailing birdsong faded to almost nothing.
*beep, static*
JASMINE, quietly stammering: Scarlet, pick up! There’s something here. It’s huge, a-and I think it’s after me. Can you come get me? What was that thing?
SCARLET: What did it look like?
JASMINE: Tall, bulky, long limbs. Color beaming from its head.
SCARLET: Oh.
JASMINE: What? “Oh” what!?
SCARLET: That’s what we call a Lark. Don’t know who it used to be, but that’s what it is now. Was it making noises? Pretty sounds?
JASMINE: Yeah, like a violin or some kind of bird.
SCARLET: That’s why we call them Larks. Don’t listen to it. It’ll try to lure you in and then you’ll be like one of them.
JASMINE: So you’ve seen these things before? You knew about them? And did you say “who it used to be?”
SCARLET: That’s why I wanted you to find the Jaunt, and why we don’t use our names here. Yes, I know about them, but didn’t know there were any around. And here we are, jaunt-less and cornered.
JASMINE: So it’s over? We’re dead?
SCARLET: I sure as hell hope not.
*noises through watch*
SCARLET, annoyed: And since you radioed me, it’s coming my way now. Thanks.
JASMINE: How is that possible? It was JUST here.
SCARLET: The watches are safer than phones. They’re short-range communications, so they run on a lower frequency. But there are still risks. Usually not a big deal, but now…Now we…Now we’ve got the orange color on our side and when I was younger, I was afraid of oranges. The peels looked like human skin with pores. And the pores would get into your teeth and make holes. I lost a baby tooth on my birthday, we had sloppy joes–that was before–and played soccer in the chilly air until it got too dark to see the goalposts. We were under the bleachers on the football field and that was my first kiss and my first drink. They call it that sometimes.
JASMINE: What? Scarlet, are you okay?
SCARLET: Yes they do call it that sometimes. The ocean. Drinking foggy michigan that one day we were driving up through the emerald and blue and white of the north so much green and black of trees spreading out like veins in the lungs. You’re breathing my smoke back to me and I can see you got a haircut, I’m sorry I didn’t notice. I’ve never played with these guys, but it should be fine. We still on for saturday with the group? Karaoke at Mel’s. That was–
JASMINE: Scarlet! What are you talking about? You sound like them.
SCARLET: The last of it and I still had feelings for her then. Then the moving on…the moving…move along. We have to move. Fuck! It’s getting to me. And here I am jaunt-less, less of jaunt of height and mind, and FUCK stop stop stop. Ummm (singing anxiously, quietly) When I was a young boy, my father took me into the city dun dun dun marching band–
JASMINE: Scarlet! You’re doing it again!
SCARLET: No, shut up, shut up! I’m trying to block out the noise with a song.
JASMINE: How is the Lark thing able to do this?
SCARLET: Honestly no idea how it–hnnng (singing) He said will you…defeat them, your demons…dun dun dun…Okay, okay. I can think again.
JASMINE: None of this makes any sense! What the hell have you people gotten me into?
SCARLET: Nothing here makes sense, get used to it. Keep quiet, use your wits, and with a bit of luck, you might make it. Or, in your case, a lot of luck. Now I’ve gotta run. See you on the outside. And don’t tell anyone you heard me sing or I’ll bury you myself. Welcome to the Department of Variance, Control.
Scarlet Jaunt, over and out.
*********
YELLOW ACCESS: So glad you made it, Olivia.
OLIVIA (JASMINE): Oh, of course.
YELLOW ACCESS: I know all this secrecy seems a little…odd. We’re a very private agency, and like to keep things that way.
OLIVIA: Oh, totally. I can understand that.
YELLOW: Good! So, let’s talk about your resume. I can see your education history here. While your work experience is a little light, we’re willing to overlook that.
OLIVIA: Yeah I haven’t had a ton of time to build my career yet. I’m hoping I can do that here!
YELLOW: Ambitious! We love to hear it. Now, beyond the schooling and the jobs, there are other qualifications we look for at the agency. I’m going to ask you a series of questions that may seem strange. Please know that we do this for every applicant, dear. Ready?
OLIVIA: Sure!
YELLOW: Good. So from what I’ve gathered, you’re not particularly superstitious.
OLIVIA: Nope, I think most of that stuff’s pretty silly to be honest.
YELLOW: Got it. No…ghost sightings or alien abductions in your past.
OLIVIA: Ha, not that I know of.
YELLOW: All right. Are you religious?
OLIVILA: Umm…not particularly, but I don’t have anything against it.
YELLOW: Neutral feelings, but nothing in particular calls to you.
OLIVIA: Right. I think it’s great for some people, but just not really in my life right now.
YELLOW: Deja vu?
OLIVIA: I mean, I believe in it. It happens. I don’t think it has much meaning though.
YELLOW: Astrology?
OLIVIA: It’s fun! But nothing serious. I don’t know why people get so mad about it.
YELLOW: I understand completely. I myself am a Scorpio. Now, let’s say one of your coworkers needed help with an assignment. They were supposed to complete the assignment on their own, however. What would you do?
OLIVIA: I guess I would check with my boss and see if it’s okay to help. I wouldn’t want them to get in trouble.
YELLOW: Great. Now let’s say your coworker needs help. They’re stuck in an elevator. You could let them out by pulling the emergency alarm, but it will cause the rest of the building to evacuate. What would you do?
OLIVIA: Hmmm. I mean, there’s no long term damage done by pulling it, right? They’ll all come back in after?
YELLOW: Yes, after about 30 minutes of confusion and lost productivity.
OLIVIA: True. Still, I think it would be better to let them out. I don’t want anyone getting hurt.
YELLOW: Okay. Now let’s say your coworker’s arm is stuck in the elevator doors. The elevator will plummet twenty floors in the next sixty seconds. The only way to get your coworker out is to break their arm and pull them through the narrow opening. What would you do?
OLIVIA: Ummm. I don’t know if I could break an arm. I might not be physically strong enough.
YELLOW: Perfect. Now let’s say a coworker is slowly being fed into a woodchipper, and–
OLIVIA: Whoa!
YELLOW: Please listen, my dear. They’re being shredded and there’s no way to help them out. What would you do?
OLIVIA: I don’t…I don’t know how to respond to that.
YELLOW: Now you’re back in school, let’s say 5th grade. It’s after lunch. Your teacher is writing something on the board. What is she writing?
OLIVIA: I’m…*sigh* math, maybe?
YELLOW: Now you’re back home after a long school day. The sun’s starting to set but there’s still golden light coming through the open windows. You don’t have any homework, and the breeze is a crisp 65 degrees. Your mother is still at work, but your father came home early. Why was he home early?
OLIVIA: I feel like dad got hurt. Jammed his thumb, if I remember right.
YELLOW: And when your mother gets home, she frets over his hand. She’s cooking dinner for the four of you. You can smell onions sizzling in the pan. And she wipes her forehead with her shirt. What color is her shirt?
JASMINE: Yellowish. Off-white. And it’s got a symbol in the front. She gets some peas out of the freezer, and I go out back to kick around a soccer ball until it’s done. The dog was still around then. And the outdoor–
YELLOW: Are you familiar with Lewis Carroll?
OLIVIA: Oh, ummm yeah. Alice in Wonderland.
YELLOW: Yes. So…how is a raven like a writing desk?
OLIVIA: Both…both have bare legs.
*snap*
YELLOW: Perfect. I think you’ll fit right in.
***************